Low

I’m sitting here at 4 am typing this. I’m doing this because I figure it will help me feel better. It will help me at least wrangle my thoughts so that I can at least try to get some sleep. So here goes.

I have a massive fear of people I care about, people I trust, leaving. In one form or another they always do. My mom passed away. Friends I thought I could trust turn their backs on me. Because of this, its very hard for me to let my guard down entirely. I am always bracing for the knife. Almost three years ago, I let my guard down for someone. Someone who I hadn’t talked to in years. She stood by me during my toughest times. I tried to stand by her during hers. Well tonight she decided not to stand by me anymore. She dumped me. I have heard it all before “other fish,” “gets better,” etc. So before everyone starts to go the whole “get over it” route, understand that this is not the first time I have been dumped. It actually the sixth. What it is is the first time where I have felt so low. Like I have felt like a total failure. Five time before this women have said that they no longer wanted to be with me, and this is the first time that I feel like I have nothing to fight for. Maybe its because Mom is gone, but I feel like there is no reason to push on.

This doesn’t mean that I’m at risk of hurting myself. It means I have no drive to “better” myself. What’s the point? I dug myself out of the hole of being homeless, and I make enough to feed myself. So why? Why should I bother trying to set myself up for what looks like it will be the inevitable bigger fall? I just don’t see the point anymore. I’m burned out, and there is nothing I can do about it. I feel like I have failed at everything right now. The relationship I fought so hard over the last three years to forge and keep is gone. In the end, the saddest part of it all is that I feel like its my fault. That as hard as I tried, I didn’t try hard enough. That I said something stupid and I caused this. I feel low, lower then dirt.

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One thought on “Low”

  1. I’m sorry dude.

    Sometimes it is all you can do to get from one day to the next, trudging uphill against an onrushing tide and you make no forward progress at all, other than getting through the day and onto the next one.

    But there is honor in that drudgery. Soldiering on only for yourself. It is hard to remember, day after day after day, but true. It is an honorable path. Difficult but honorable.

    Sometimes, just surviving is something to take pride in.

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