I’m sitting here at 4 am typing this. I’m doing this because I figure it will help me feel better. It will help me at least wrangle my thoughts so that I can at least try to get some sleep. So here goes.
I have a massive fear of people I care about, people I trust, leaving. In one form or another they always do. My mom passed away. Friends I thought I could trust turn their backs on me. Because of this, its very hard for me to let my guard down entirely. I am always bracing for the knife. Almost three years ago, I let my guard down for someone. Someone who I hadn’t talked to in years. She stood by me during my toughest times. I tried to stand by her during hers. Well tonight she decided not to stand by me anymore. She dumped me. I have heard it all before “other fish,” “gets better,” etc. So before everyone starts to go the whole “get over it” route, understand that this is not the first time I have been dumped. It actually the sixth. What it is is the first time where I have felt so low. Like I have felt like a total failure. Five time before this women have said that they no longer wanted to be with me, and this is the first time that I feel like I have nothing to fight for. Maybe its because Mom is gone, but I feel like there is no reason to push on.
This doesn’t mean that I’m at risk of hurting myself. It means I have no drive to “better” myself. What’s the point? I dug myself out of the hole of being homeless, and I make enough to feed myself. So why? Why should I bother trying to set myself up for what looks like it will be the inevitable bigger fall? I just don’t see the point anymore. I’m burned out, and there is nothing I can do about it. I feel like I have failed at everything right now. The relationship I fought so hard over the last three years to forge and keep is gone. In the end, the saddest part of it all is that I feel like its my fault. That as hard as I tried, I didn’t try hard enough. That I said something stupid and I caused this. I feel low, lower then dirt.